Relationship anxiety involves feelings of worry, insecurity, and doubt that arise even in healthy relationships. Despite loving your partner, building trust, setting boundaries, and understanding each other’s communication, you may still question yourself, your partner, and the future of your relationship. Questions like “Will this last?” or “Is this person truly right for me?” can create ongoing stress. You might even fear hidden secrets or doubt your ability to maintain a committed relationship. This persistent worry is known as relationship anxiety.
Is it normal?
“Relationship anxiety is very common,” says psychotherapist Astrid Robertson, who works with couples facing relationship challenges. This anxiety often appears early on, before partners are sure of each other’s feelings. However, it can also affect long-term, committed relationships. Over time, relationship anxiety may cause emotional distress, fatigue, low motivation, and physical symptoms like stomach upset. While the anxiety might not stem from the relationship itself, it can trigger behaviors that create problems and strain for both partners.
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What are some signs of relationship anxiety?
Relationship anxiety can manifest in various ways. It’s normal to feel some insecurity during the early stages of dating or commitment, and occasional doubts usually aren’t a cause for concern. However, when anxious thoughts start to dominate your daily life, they can become problematic. Here are some common signs of relationship anxiety to watch for:
Wondering if you matter to your partner
“The most common form of relationship anxiety centers on questions like ‘Do I matter?’ or ‘Are you truly there for me?’” explains Robertson. These concerns reflect a basic human need to feel connected, valued, and secure in a relationship. You might worry that your partner wouldn’t miss you if you were gone, wouldn’t support you during tough times, or only stays with you for what you can do for them.
Doubting your partner’s feelings for you
You’ve shared “I love you” or at least “I really like you,” and your partner shows kindness—bringing lunch or walking you home. Still, a persistent doubt lingers: “Do they really love me?” Slow responses to affection or delayed replies to texts can fuel fears that their feelings have shifted. While occasional doubts are normal, with relationship anxiety, these worries can become overwhelming and hard to shake.
Worrying they want to break up
A strong relationship brings love, security, and happiness, making it natural to want to protect those feelings. However, this desire can turn into a constant fear of losing your partner. When anxiety takes hold, you might change your behavior just to keep their affection. For instance, you may avoid addressing important issues like their frequent lateness, overlook bothersome habits like wearing shoes indoors, or worry excessively about making them angry—even when they show no signs of frustration.
Doubting long-term compatibility
Relationship anxiety can lead you to doubt your compatibility with your partner, even when the relationship is going well. You may also question whether you’re genuinely happy or simply convinced you are. This often causes you to fixate on small differences—like their love for punk music versus your preference for folk-rock—and blow these into bigger issues than they really are.
Sabotaging the relationship
Relationship anxiety can trigger self-sabotaging behaviors that harm your connection. Common signs include picking fights, pushing your partner away by denying when you’re upset, or testing boundaries—like meeting an ex for lunch without telling them. These actions aren’t usually intentional; often, they’re attempts to gauge how much your partner cares. You might think that pushing them away and seeing if they stay proves their love. However, Robertson notes that your partner likely struggles to understand these hidden motives, making communication and trust harder to maintain.
Reading into their words and actions
Overthinking your partner’s words and actions often signals relationship anxiety. For example, they may avoid holding hands or insist on keeping old furniture when you move in together. While these might seem like red flags, they’re more likely harmless quirks—like sweaty hands or a genuine attachment to their furniture—rather than signs of deeper problems.
Missing out on the good times
Unsure if relationship anxiety is affecting you? Pause and ask yourself: “Am I worrying about this relationship more than enjoying it?” While tough times can trigger stress, feeling this way frequently likely means relationship anxiety is at play.
What causes it?
Understanding the root of your relationship anxiety requires time and self-reflection, as there’s no single clear cause. You might struggle to pinpoint the reasons on your own. Robertson explains, “You may not be aware of the cause, but the underlying issue usually stems from a deep need for connection.” Here are some common factors that could contribute:
Previous relationship experiences
Past experiences can continue to impact your relationship anxiety, even if you believe you’ve moved on. If a previous partner cheated, ended things suddenly, lied about their feelings, or misled you about the relationship, trusting again can be challenging. Even when your current partner is honest and trustworthy, hidden triggers may still stir doubts and insecurity, reminding you of those past wounds.
Low self-esteem
Low self-esteem often fuels relationship insecurity and anxiety. Research shows that when people with low self-esteem experience self-doubt, they’re more likely to question their partner’s feelings, projecting their own insecurities onto the relationship. In contrast, those with higher self-esteem tend to use their relationships to reinforce their self-worth during moments of doubt.
Attachment style
Your childhood attachment style significantly influences your adult relationships. If caregivers consistently met your needs with love and support, you likely developed a secure attachment. If not, your attachment style may be less secure. Insecure attachment can fuel relationship anxiety: avoidant attachment may cause fear of commitment or intimacy, while anxious attachment can trigger worries about being abandoned.
However, insecure attachment doesn’t define your future. Jason Wheeler, PhD, explains that while you can’t completely change your attachment style, you can make meaningful changes to prevent it from limiting your relationships.
A tendency to question
A naturally questioning mindset can contribute to relationship anxiety. You may carefully weigh every decision and consider all possible outcomes before moving forward. While reflecting on important choices—like romantic commitment—is healthy, it becomes problematic when you get trapped in endless cycles of doubt and second-guessing that prevent progress and peace of mind.
Can you overcome it?
Though it may not seem obvious, relationship anxiety can be overcome with time and effort. Simply hearing that your relationship is healthy isn’t always enough. “I can assure someone their anxiety doesn’t mean there’s a problem, and that they are likely loved,” says Robertson. “But until they truly feel safe and secure, the anxiety often continues.” Addressing these feelings early is crucial. Here are some tips to help you begin managing relationship anxiety:
Maintain your identity
As your relationship grows, it’s common to adjust parts of your individuality to fit with your partner. While small changes—like adapting to their sleeping habits—are normal, losing yourself to please your partner can harm both of you. Remember, your partner fell in love with who you truly are. Suppressing your authentic self can leave you feeling disconnected and may make your partner feel they’ve lost the person they cared for.
Practice mindfulness
Focus on the present moment without judgment. When negative thoughts arise, acknowledge them and let them pass. Mindfulness helps break cycles of worry and lets you appreciate your time together, even if the future is uncertain.
Communicate openly
Relationship anxiety often stems from internal fears, but if something specific bothers you—like your partner’s phone habits or holiday plans—address it calmly and respectfully. Use “I” statements to express your feelings without blaming, such as, “I feel distant lately, and it makes me worry about us.” Sharing your thoughts can invite reassurance and deepen your connection.
Avoid impulsive reactions
Anxiety might tempt you to seek constant reassurance, but avoid acting on these urges in harmful ways. For example, frequent texts asking for updates can create tension. Instead, pause and practice calming activities like deep breathing, walking, or calling a friend to manage these impulses.
Consider therapy
If anxiety feels overwhelming, a therapist—especially one experienced with couples—can provide valuable support. Therapy helps both partners understand each other’s feelings, communicate better, and build trust. Even a single session can make a meaningful difference in easing relationship anxiety.
Frequently Asked Questions
What is relationship anxiety?
Relationship anxiety involves persistent worry, insecurity, or doubt about your relationship, even when things seem fine. It can affect your thoughts, feelings, and behavior toward your partner.
What causes relationship anxiety?
Common causes include past relationship trauma, low self-esteem, insecure attachment styles, overthinking, and a strong need for connection or reassurance.
How can I tell if I have relationship anxiety?
If you find yourself frequently doubting your partner’s feelings, overanalyzing their actions, or feeling more worried than happy in the relationship, you might be experiencing relationship anxiety.
Can relationship anxiety ruin a good relationship?
If left unaddressed, anxiety can lead to behaviors like over-questioning, jealousy, or pushing your partner away, which may strain the relationship. But with awareness and effort, it can be managed effectively.
How can I manage relationship anxiety?
Maintain your individuality, practice mindfulness, communicate openly using “I” statements, avoid impulsive reactions, and consider professional therapy if needed.
Should I talk to my partner about my anxiety?
Yes. Sharing your feelings honestly can foster understanding and support, helping to strengthen your connection.
Can therapy help with relationship anxiety?
Absolutely. Therapy, especially couples therapy, can offer tools to understand and cope with anxiety, improve communication, and build trust.
Is relationship anxiety normal?
Yes, many people experience it at some point, especially during new or challenging phases of a relationship.
Can relationship anxiety go away on its own?
Sometimes it eases with time, but actively addressing it through self-awareness, communication, and support usually leads to better outcomes.
How long does it take to overcome relationship anxiety?
The timeline varies, but consistent effort and support can significantly reduce anxiety and improve your relationship experience over weeks or months.
Conclusion
Relationship anxiety is a common experience that can challenge even the strongest partnerships. By understanding its roots and recognizing its signs, you can take proactive steps to manage your worries. Maintaining your sense of self, practicing mindfulness, communicating openly, and seeking professional support when needed can all help you build a healthier, more secure connection. With patience and effort, it’s possible to overcome relationship anxiety and enjoy a deeper, more fulfilling bond with your partner.
